Talking about death can be uncomfortable.
Not because people don’t think about it or because they’re afraid to discuss it; most people think about death quite a lot, and they’re generally willing to talk about it – it’s uncomfortable because we can make it uncomfortable.
We tiptoe around the subject, use euphemisms like “passing” or “when the time comes”, and apologise before we even ask. We act like we’re doing something inappropriate by bringing up wills or memorial giving, then wonder why supporters don’t respond.
The truth is, people talk about death all the time. They make jokes about it, plan for it, and discuss it with family, friends, solicitors, and financial advisors. They just don’t like talking about it with fundraisers who are awkward about it.
This guide shows you how to talk about legacy and in-memory giving naturally, confidently, and without the cringe.
Why We’re Awkward in the First Place
Before we fix the awkwardness, let’s acknowledge where it comes from.
We’ve been taught that talking about death is morbid, that asking someone to include us in their will is presumptuous, and that approaching a bereaved family is exploitative. So we’ve developed habits that signal our discomfort: apologetic language, excessive softness, over-explaining ourselves, and waiting for the “right moment” that never comes.
The problem is, all of this awkwardness sends a clear message: “This is inappropriate and I shouldn’t be asking.” If you act like legacy and in-memory giving are uncomfortable topics, supporters will believe you.
What People Actually Think About Death
Here’s what research and decades of legacy fundraising experience tell us about how people actually relate to mortality:
Most people have thought about their will and know they should write one or update it. Death isn’t a shock concept that needs careful introduction. Bereaved people often actively want to do something meaningful, and memorial giving provides purpose during grief rather than being an imposition.
The key insight is that talking about death doesn’t make people uncomfortable, but talking about it badly does. The difference comes down to confidence – when you’re comfortable discussing death, supporters are too.
The Language That Works
Be Direct
Stop saying “when the time comes” or “in the event of your passing” and just say death, will, and memorial. Direct language is clearer and less patronising because it treats supporters like adults who can handle straightforward conversation.
Instead of: “Have you thought about what might happen when you’re no longer with us?”
Say: “Have you ever considered leaving a gift to [charity] in your will?”
Instead of: “If anything were to happen…”
Say: “When someone dies…”
Being direct doesn’t mean being blunt or insensitive. It means being clear and respectful about a topic that matters.
Drop the Apologies
Never apologise for bringing up legacy or in-memory giving, because apologies suggest you’re doing something wrong.
Don’t say: “I’m sorry to bring this up, but have you thought about legacy giving?”
Say: “Have you thought about legacy giving?”
Don’t say: “I hate to ask during such a difficult time…”
Say: “Many families find it meaningful to give in memory. We’d be honoured if you’d like to do that.”
You’re offering people an opportunity to create lasting impact, which is not something to apologise for.
Use the Words People Use
Listen to how supporters talk about death and mirror their language. If they say “died”, don’t correct them to “passed away”, and if they say “funeral”, don’t call it a “celebration of life” unless they do first.
Match their directness as well. If they’re matter-of-fact about death, be matter-of-fact back, and if they’re more emotional, adjust your tone accordingly. The goal is to meet them where they are rather than imposing your comfort level on them.
How to Ask for Legacy Gifts
In Conversation
The best legacy asks happen in normal conversations rather than special “legacy meetings”. You’re talking with a long-term supporter and they mention their children, their plans, or their values. That’s your opening.
You: “Have you ever thought about leaving a gift to [charity] in your will?”
That’s it. No preamble, no apology, just ask.
If they say yes, thank them and ask if they’d be comfortable sharing that with you so you can steward them properly. If they say no, that’s fine too. You can say: “No problem at all. If it’s ever something you’d like to explore, I’m happy to send you information.” Then move on without lingering, over-explaining, or trying to convince them on the spot.
In Writing
Written legacy asks should be clear, warm, and simple.
Subject line (email): Leaving a gift in your will
Opening: Many of our supporters choose to leave a gift to [charity] in their will. It’s a powerful way to support [cause] beyond your lifetime.
Your email should include why legacy gifts matter to your charity, how simple it is (just one sentence in a will), will wording they can give their solicitor, reassurance that family comes first, and a link to more information.
Closing: If you’d like to talk about this, I’m here. If you’ve already included us in your will, thank you. Please let us know so we can thank you properly.
That’s the entire structure, so don’t overcomplicate it.
In Groups
If you’re speaking to a room of supporters, legacy giving should be part of your standard talk rather than a separate, awkward moment.
Script: “Some of you may have already included [charity] in your will. If you have, thank you. It means everything to us. If you haven’t but you’ve thought about it, we’d love to help make that easy. There’s information at the back of the room.”
Then keep going without making it a big moment. You’re normalising it as something many supporters do.
How to Talk About In-Memory Giving
With Bereaved Families
When someone has just died, families are dealing with shock, grief, and a hundred practical decisions. Your job is to make memorial giving easy rather than to sell it.
What to say: “Many families choose to give in memory of [name]. If that’s something you’d like to do, we can help arrange that. If not, that’s absolutely fine.”
Provide options like funeral collections, online memorial pages, regular giving in memory, or memorial events. Then step back without pushing or following up multiple times. Make the offer and let them decide.
If they say yes, handle everything smoothly by setting up the memorial page, providing donation envelopes, and coordinating with the funeral director. Make it as easy as possible for them.
In Memorial Communications
When you’re thanking someone for an in-memory gift or updating them on impact, your tone matters enormously. Acknowledge the loss without being maudlin and express genuine gratitude without gushing.
Example:
“Thank you for your gift in memory of [name]. We’re honoured that you chose to remember them this way. Your donation will [specific impact].”
Keep it simple, sincere, and focused on the person being remembered and the impact of the gift.
When the Death Was Difficult
Not all deaths are peaceful, and some are sudden, traumatic, or complicated. Your language should acknowledge reality without being graphic.
If someone died by suicide, don’t say they “lost their battle” or “gave up fighting” but instead say they died by suicide. If someone died young, don’t say “taken too soon” or “such a tragedy” but acknowledge that their death is painful without imposing your interpretation of it.
Let the family lead because they’ll tell you how they want their loved one remembered.
Common Mistakes That Make It Awkward
Mistake 1: Waiting for Permission
You don’t need permission to talk about legacy or in-memory giving because it’s a normal part of fundraising. Stop waiting for supporters to bring it up first, because they won’t. They’re waiting for you.
Mistake 2: Over-Explaining
You don’t need to justify why you’re asking for legacy gifts or offering memorial giving options.
Don’t say: “I know this might seem strange, but actually legacy gifts are really important to us because they provide unrestricted income and…”
Say: “Have you thought about leaving a gift in your will?”
Get to the point and trust that supporters understand the value.
Mistake 3: Using Corporate Jargon
Phrases like “planned giving”, “bequests”, and “legacy pipeline” mean nothing to supporters. Say will, gift in your will, and memorial donation instead. Use normal language.
Mistake 4: Assuming Grief Looks One Way
Not everyone cries, wants to talk about their feelings, or behaves in predictable ways. Some people are practical, some are stoic, and some are angry. Don’t impose your expectations of how bereaved people “should” act, but meet them where they are.
Mistake 5: Making It About You
Legacy and in-memory giving are about the supporter and the person they’re remembering rather than about your targets.
Don’t say: “We really need legacy income this year.”
Say: “Your gift will create lasting change.”
Keep the focus on impact and meaning rather than your organisational needs.
What to Do When It Still Feels Awkward
Even with all this guidance, some conversations will feel uncomfortable, and that’s completely normal.
Practice. Say the words out loud until they feel natural and role-play with colleagues. The more you say “Have you thought about leaving a gift in your will?” the easier it gets.
Remember why you’re doing this. You’re offering people a meaningful way to support something they care about, which is generous rather than awkward.
Accept that some people will say no. That’s fine because you’re not trying to convince everyone. You’re making the option available to people who want it.
Learn from every conversation. Notice what language feels natural, what gets positive responses, and what makes people uncomfortable. Then adjust accordingly.
The goal isn’t to never feel awkward but to not let awkwardness stop you from having important conversations.
The Bottom Line
People aren’t uncomfortable talking about death. They’re uncomfortable with fundraisers who are uncomfortable talking about death.
Be direct, clear, and confident. Say “death” and “will” and “memorial” without apologising, over-explaining, or waiting for permission. Treat supporters like adults who can handle straightforward conversations about mortality and meaning, because they can.
And when you do, legacy and in-memory giving stops being awkward and starts being what it actually is: a normal, meaningful part of fundraising.
Want to go deeper? Read our Complete Guide to Legacy and In-Memory Fundraising for comprehensive strategies on building programmes that work.
Need expert guidance? Join Fundraising Everywhere as a member for access to the Legacy & In-Memory Conference, workshops on stewardship and messaging, and a community of fundraisers working on the same challenges. Learn more about membership